A Kissing Book
by lunawannabe
Summary: Being a slightly odd Haldirmance parody. Niphredilcup grew up on a large flet in the forest of Lorien. Her favorite pastimes were bewailing her fate and tormenting the march warden that worked there. His name was Haldir. But she never called him that...


Niphredilcup was raised on a large flet in the forest of Lórien. Her favorite past-times were bewailing her fate and tormenting the march-warden that worked there. His name was Haldir. But she never called him that. (A.N. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?)

Nothing gave Niphredilcup more pleasure than ordering Haldir around. All she ever said to him was "March warden! Fetch me that leaf!" "March warden! Wash my shoes!" "March warden! Polish my mirror. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."

And all he ever said to her was, "As you wish." Never anything more. But one day, Niphredilcup was amazed to discover that when he was saying "As you wish," what he meant was "You irk me; I am a march-warden not an errand boy and if you weren't my Lady's daughter you just might be dead right now."

Just kidding. One day, Niphredilcup was amazed to discover when he was saying "As you wish, what he meant was "I love you." And even more amazing was the day she looked into his eyes, and realized something. They were blue.

Fine, kidding again. Yeah-yeah-even-more-amazing-was-the-day-she-discovered-she- truly-loved-him-back.

Haldir had no money for marriage, so he decided to assume a rank far above his station and lead the Lothlórien elves to fight at the battle of Helm's Deep. It was a very emotional time for Niphredilcup. But amid her hysterical tears, a new worry sprang. Haldir was _leaving_. Going _away._ Where there were _other females of the elven and human _(possibly dwarvish?) _species. _If she was to keep his fancy, she would have to achieve beauty beyond the looks of all mortals, elves, dwarves, orcs, or balrogs. Oh, or Valier. So she decided to go and ask her mother, Galadriel, what she should do.

It went horribly. Her father only mumbled something about "Neglect not your knees," and her mother just laughed and said, "Try catching the light of the Two Trees in your hair, perhaps." She was so mean! Of course Niphredilcup was ugly, there was no denying that, but why did her mother always have to make her feel bad about it? Why couldn't she love the daughter she had, rather than just trying to make her what she wanted her to be?

But Niphredilcup was determined. When Haldir came back, she would be the most beautiful being in any world anywhere.

Undaunted, she set to work. Every day, she would bathe in the Nimrodel, (She didn't think anyone would mind, though she did hear a comment about cursing "foul feet in its clean water." But surely that wasn't related) wash her face in her mother's Mirror, spend an hour inspecting her knees, and brush and brush her hair. But the fact remained that it just wasn't as beautiful as her mother's. And how was she supposed to surpass the beauty of all mortals etc. if her hair wasn't as pretty as Galadriel's, who was way down the list at number three? She'd tried setting fire to two mallorn trees and see if her hair would catch the light, but sadly all it did was singe the ends and she _had to cut it. _How tragic she was! Such misfortune always following her, even trees and fire out to get her, an evil, evil mother- how could she manage?

But her inner beauty shone through, and made her hair glisten and shine like it had captured the light of _three_ trees. Or maybe even five! Thus, she surpassed all of the greats, and by the end of the week she was number one. Arwen Undómiel? Easy. Lúthien? A bit harder, but still easy. Her mother? Puh-lease. Who even called her pretty, anyway? Varda was pretty hard, but Niphredilcup's inner beauty amid the horrors of her past was no match. And Varda's cheap sparkly lotion was _so_ tacky. There had been a mortal girl, (Margarinecup, maybe?) but she had gotten so many worry lines at the prospect of Niphredilcup beating her that she dropped way down the list.

But the day she got the message letting her know of her accomplishment, (From Eönwë himself; the Valar were so interested in these things) she also got the news that Haldir had been killed. By orcs, who only occasionally left captives alive when they were hobbits. And Haldir was certainly not a hobbit. So she did what any sensible, well brought up elleth would do. She went and joined the Fellowship, destroyed the Ring, saved the world, was maid of honor at Arwen and Aragorn's wedding, (Arwen was super mean, always sending Niphredilcup dirty looks because she'd been knocked down the list, but Niphredilcup forgave her. A wedding is supposed to be a happy occasion!) helped save the Shire, all in time for pudding. But she took no credit. No, she was driven by tragic, tragic love, and no glory would make her feel any better.

But, one day after a long cry, all the Valar showed up and, as a reward for saving the world they really and truly cared about and had invested so much in, they brought Haldir back to life! So they got married in the most beautiful wedding ever, and waddayaknow, he told her that, "I love you for you, no matter what you look like." Galadriel sailed West in anger and jealously, but no one cared.

Thus, the most beautiful lady in the world got the wonderful life she deserved, with one who truly, truly loved her.

And as they reached for each other…. [The ending has been cut out for the emotional well-being of your dentist.]

_**OoOoOo**_

_**Let it be known I absolutely love Princess Bride. This was just an idea I came up with while chatting with a girl on what people might call Haldir, then came the idea of a snooty princess calling him march-warden all the time, then Princess Bride was watched for the umpteenth time and the book read once again (yes, there's a book) and then this was born. I hope you enjoyed! **_


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